I’ve been reading a new book by Caitlin Moran entitled How to be a Woman. I haven’t finished it yet (exactly 33% at this point according to my Kindle), but I’ve been really enjoying it. Moran basically explains how being a woman is difficult. She states in one part that the worst gift you can give a child is estrogen and a pair of tits (a sentiment I do not necessarily agree with). But like her, there are many things I HATE about being a woman. These are a few of those things that women have to deal with simply because we are females and/or because society says so. (I tried not to let my inner feminist out on this post and write about how women have to put up with getting paid less than men and having their reproductive systems debated by politicians.) Don’t get me wrong. There are many positives to being a woman, and I’m proud of the woman I am and blessed by the vessel that I’ve been provided. However, as is my human prerogative, I do have some complaints. Got anymore ideas besides what’s listed?
Bras. As much as I hate them, they’re necessary to prevent the delightful swamp boob. But as soon as I come home, the bra comes off. This kind of sucks as the only bras that fit and are somewhat comfortable for the well-endowed cup size cost anywhere from $75 and up, and if you want the sexier, lacy ones, those will start at $120. WTF? I’m paying out my nose to strap on a torture device I get to wear every day. Plus, I get killer neck and back aches if I wear a cheaper bra. Just take my money now, lacy torture device.
Birth control. Oh, you can’t wear a condom? Well guess what, I can’t use mind- and body-altering hormones that are located in the pill. They make one gain weight, become emotionally unstable, and have elevated blood pressure. Spermicide, you’re not much better. IUD, can you say “OWWWWW”? And don’t even get me started on the sponge or the diaphragm. The condom is the least invasive birth control out there and the least harmful. What’s stopping you?
Panties. Let’s face it. The only comfortable pair of panties are the ones that securely cover all of the booty, like the hipster, bikini, or brief. However, thongs, g-strings, tangas, and even boy shorts with a seam in the front are the fashion right now and are deemed as more flirty and sexy. Let’s be honest, though, these types of panties are more like a snack for your back and your front. I never want my panties creeping towards a crevice, and I never want to wince when I get up because my thong is currently lodged somewhere that no fabric should be. I’ve suffered through fashionable panties for most of my teenage years and twenties, but I’ve come to realize that once your clothes are off, a man doesn’t care what kind of panties or bra you’re wearing as long as he’s getting into them. Let’s save the swatches of cloth for sexy lingerie in the bedroom only and wear something of more substance for the everyday.
Tight pants. Why does almost every designer make pants tighter for women? I know we don’t have the junk downstairs to make room for, but I would really like to avoid the camel toe. Thanks. If one is fortunate enough to find pants that are not skin-tight, then one probably looks like a grandma. I should not have to accentuate my butt for the opposite sex. And I definitely should not have to do the adjustment wiggle every time I get up because my pants are squeezing the life out of my lower half.
High Heels. Ow, ow, ow. That’s my mantra when wearing heels. When one wears heels, it’s best not to walk for any distance longer than about 50 feet. Yes, they are aesthetically appealing, and I admit I own many. However, this does not negate the fact that they are torture devices in their own right.
Skirts and Dresses. This is not an issue for every woman. In fact, some women really enjoy the freedom and breeze felt while wearing a skirt or a dress. To women who have more ample thighs, wearing a dress or a skirt in humidity or in a hotter climate is like building a fire between your legs. It is also not comfortable to have one’s bare butt on a chair or bench — an inevitable event when wearing a shorter dress or skirt.
Pantyhose. I’ve seen a quote about if we can put men on the moon then we can invent pantyhose that are comfortable. Apparently, we cannot. Until this miracle happens, we will struggle to squeeze ourselves into pantyhose and will then look like a stuffed sausage once they are on. Don’t sit down while wearing pantyhose, either, because they’ll just creep down on you. Also, don’t walk too much while wearing pantyhose because you’ll find it difficult to not look like a penguin as they start to creep down. Basically, do nothing while wearing pantyhose. I mean, just don’t move.
Purses. Again, they’re necessary, but only because our pants are so tight that we can’t fit anything in our pockets. And if you can reach in your pocket, it’s usually only two inches deep. Seriously, why do men get deeper pockets? Oh, that’s right. It’s because the pocket outline would show through these tight pants! Purses are annoying to carry, they get in the way, and they hurt shoulders.
Makeup. Why is it when I go out without makeup people ask me if I’m feeling OK? I even had one friend show up at my house for our lunch date to ask if I needed more time to apply my face as it was sans makeup. (She made it sound like I needed to pull a Mrs. Doubtfire and apply that mask.) Makeup can be fun, but I hate that society makes women feel like they’re not beautiful unless they have their makeup on. Even when one is going for that “natural” look, makeup is required to help us look our best. What is the point of taking so much time to apply makeup when the objective is to look like we’re not wearing any? The slogan “Maybe she’s born with it or maybe it’s Maybelline” should just be “She’s born with it.” Period. No makeup needed.
Waxing. This is one of the most painful aesthetic procedures. Brazilians are among the worst torture I can inflict upon myself, and for two days after waxing, I have to walk like a penguin. Shaving legs and armpits is already annoying if you’re like me and have to shave every other day. Never have I loathed my long legs as much as when I have to shave them. And my poor armpits! The armpits are some very sensitive parts of the body. There’s a reason why hair grows there to protect this sensitive area. Shaving continuously just exacerbates the sensitivity and causes weird bumps. Gross. But I digress. Getting rid of hair down there, especially through waxing, is the worst. To be honest, sex feels so much better when there’s hair down there because, like the armpits, this is a sensitive area that benefits from some protection. Trimming and maintenance are necessary, but I just don’t understand getting rid of it all. I hate that pornography has made it a faux pas to have any hair down there. Porn started this trend so the camera could capture the moment of penetration easier, so why are we all doing this now? Last time I checked, we weren’t all porn stars. Why must women continue to infantilize themselves with waxing? What about that is sexy?
Periods. This is simply a biological issue and has nothing to do with society. Though I do have to say that pads and tampons are torture devices in their own right. I can either feel like I’m wearing a diaper or I can shove a wad of cotton in my cash and prizes. Um, none sound like what I want to do, especially when I’m bloated and feeling like a beached whale, am crying at all commercials (and not just the dog ones like normal), and have cramps that make me sweat and get into the fetal position. Ugh, I have to do this thirteen times a year for a week each? ARGH! Why did I want this so badly when I was twelve?
Child birth. Enough said. *Drops microphone and walks away.*